Understand others point of view

This is a fantastic skill to cultivate, often called perspective-taking. It doesn't mean you have to agree with someone, only that you're willing to see the world through their eyes for a moment.

Here is a practical guide to truly understanding another person's point of view, broken down into mindset shifts and actionable steps.

First, The Mindset Shift: What It Really Means

Before you can understand someone else, you need to be honest with yourself about these three things:

1. Your Map is Not the Territory: The way you see the world (your "map") is based on your unique experiences, values, and personality. Their map is different. Neither is necessarily "correct," they are just different representations of reality.

2. Seek Clarity, Not Victory: The goal of a conversation isn't to win an argument. It's to understand. If you enter a discussion trying to change their mind, you've already stopped listening.

3. All Behavior Makes Sense (to the person doing it): No one wakes up and decides to be irrational, wrong, or mean from their own perspective. Given their fears, desires, and information (even if flawed), their actions logically follow.

The Actionable Steps: How to Do It

Step 1: Shut Up and Listen (Really Listen)
Most people listen to reply. You need to listen to understand.

• Don't interrupt. Let them finish their thought completely, even if you disagree with the first sentence.

• Don't rehearse your counter-argument. While they are talking, your brain is plotting your response. Stop. Focus only on their words.

• Ask open-ended questions. These cannot be answered with "yes" or "no."

  • Instead of: "So you think that policy is unfair?" (Yes/No)

  • Try: "Help me understand what feels unfair about that policy to you?"

Step 2: The Radical Paraphrase (The #1 Tool)
Before you share your own view, try this: Paraphrase what you heard until they agree you got it right.

• Say this: "Okay, let me make sure I'm following. What I hear you saying is [summarize their point in your own words]. Is that accurate? What am I missing?"

• This is magic. It forces you to listen, shows them respect, and often de-escalates conflict because they feel heard. They might even say, "Yes, exactly!" and then be far more open to your view.

Step 3: Ask "Why?" Five Times (Gently)
Dig past the surface opinion to the underlying need or fear. Don't do this aggressively, but with genuine curiosity.

• Them: "I hate the new software update."

• You: "What specifically bothers you about it?" (Why #1)

• Them: "It's so slow."

• You: "I see. Why does the slowness matter so much for your work?" (Why #2)

• Them: "Because I'm judged on how many calls I make per hour."

• You: "Ah, so speed directly impacts your performance review?" (Why #3)

• Now you understand: It's not about the software. It's about job security and feeling valued. You can now address the real issue, not the surface complaint.

Step 4: Apply the "Mushroom" Perspective
Imagine every person is living in a different "information bubble." What do they know that you don't? What do they not know that you take for granted?

• Their History: What past experience (with a boss, a partner, a system) makes them sensitive to this?

• Their Insecurities: Are they afraid of looking stupid, losing control, being abandoned, or failing?

• Their Pressures: What are they up against today? A deadline, a sick child, a mountain of debt? Stress shrinks perspective.

Step 5: Acknowledge Your Own Bias (The Mirror Check)
You can't see clearly if you don't know your own lens. Ask yourself:

• What am I assuming is "common sense" right now?

• What outcome am I hoping for in this conversation? (This reveals your agenda.)

• What button is this person pushing in me? (Anger, judgment, fear? That's your stuff.)

A Powerful Example

Scenario: Your partner wants to spend $500 on a piece of art. You think it's a waste of money.

• Judgment (Stop Here): "You're so irresponsible with money. We need to save."

• Perspective-Taking (Start Here):

  1. Listen. "Tell me about this piece. What do you feel when you look at it?" (Don't mention money yet.)

  2. Paraphrase. "So what I hear you saying is that this art reminds you of your grandmother's garden, a place you felt total peace as a kid, and you want that feeling in our home."

  3. Ask Why. "Why is having that feeling in our home so important to you right now?" (Answer: "Because work is so stressful, I need a peaceful sanctuary.")

  4. Their Map: For them, the art is an investment in mental health and daily joy. For you, $500 is a chunk of the safety net.

  5. The New Conversation: "Okay, I now really understand why this art matters to you – it's about creating a sanctuary. My fear was just about the safety net. Could we find a way to get that feeling – maybe a less expensive print, or we save for two months – and still put $300 in savings?"

Now you have a problem to solve together, not a fight to win.

A Final, Humble Truth

Sometimes, you will do all of this and still not understand. That's okay. You can say, "I don't think I fully get it, but I'm trying. And I believe you have a good reason for feeling this way."

That statement alone is more powerful than any agreement. It is the essence of respect.

By Jamuna Rangachari