Freedom from fear

Freedom from fear

January 2015

By Suma Varughese

With fear receding from her life, Suma Varughese looks forward to a journey into increasingjoy and love. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been deeply fearful. All sorts of fears would waylay me for I was deeply uncertain about my capabilities and my worth, and I quite frankly doubted my ability to get by in life. I was sure I would plunge into doom head first, and that would be the end of me. Of course, Linda Goodman would say that this is textbook behaviour for a Cancerian.

Even after an enlightenment experience helped me recognise that the Suma I knew was nothing but a collection of conditioning, the fear identity has been pretty persistent. It did not help for me to read the jnana yogi, Ramesh Balsekar, once referring to himself as a body-mind organism that was habitually timid. Good Lord, if timidity persisted beyond liberation, what hope was there for me? Deepa Kodikal, another realised soul who passed away recently, once shared how souls stranded on the earth plane would approach her to release them, and that it would frighten her. So I was unsure if I would ever really free myself of fear. Of late, though, I am beginning to feel that fear is no longer such a powerful force in my life. And that it need no longer dictate my actions. Once again, the realisation came to me through my illnesses. Usually, all ailments would fill me with fear and resistance and I would feel myself shrinking into self-defensive postures.

My shoulders would hunch up, my chest would hollow out and my arms would be crossed tightly against my chest. A few days ago, I became afflicted with a cold. As usual, almost unconsciously I found myself assuming the same defensive postures. This time, though, I caught myself short and forced myself to puff out my chest and place my shoulders back confidently. I found that the cold was less uncomfortable without the resistance, and that I was also in a much happier frame of mind. I find that I am no longer identifying with the fear, but instead am allowing it to be. And the result is more spaciousness and peace. Finally, it appears, I am no longer afraid of fear. And that itself is the battle won. Because if I am not afraid of fear and can allow it to be, it can no longer control me, can it? Finally, it appears, I am no longer afraid of fear. And that itself is the battle won. If I can allow it to be, it can no longer control me, can it? Recently, I found myself walking through the corridors of a vast place, late at night on my own. Now this is the sort of thing that would normally freak me out. I would have Kafkaesque nightmares of being trapped in a maze with no escape. This time, however, I retained my poise and made my way out. More than any other factor, fear has held me back from living as fully as I would have wished. Fear of failure, of ill health, fear of pain, of losing face, fear of someone being better than me, and so on have held me back. Above all, I was afraid of my own lower self, which forever sabotaged my happiness and health through its self-indulgent impulses. Perhaps in time, I will be able to laugh at them and lead my life the way I am meant to – fully and freely with nothing but joy and love as my companions. They do say that fear and love are opposite sides of the coin and if one goes the other comes. That sounds good to me. Finally, it appears, I am no longer afraid of fear. And that itself is the battle won. If I can allow it to be, it can no longer control me, can it? About the author :Suma Varughese is a thinker, writer, seeker, latent crusader and Editor-in-Chief of Life Positive. Write to her at suma@lifepositive.net