Growth map

Growth map

August 2023

Shivi Verma comes to the realisation that, over the years, her life was gradually being shaped for the better  by the Divine, using the adversities in her life as His tools 

Sometimes I cannot help but  be grateful to the Divine for  giving the gift of spirituality  to me. 

Mired in hardships, struggles,  and innumerable challenges,  spirituality has helped me keep  my head above water and never  lose faith, hope, and courage in  the positivity of life. It has helped  me push the boundaries and reach  the farthest end of my capabilities  just because an unseen faith keeps  telling me that there is light at the  end of the tunnel. 

Nevertheless, I have also felt  deeply hurt and demoralised, and  have despaired, fought, cried, and  raged against the injustices of  life to God. I have suffered from  guilt pangs after every emotional  or temper outburst, wondering  why my spiritual sadhanas do not  yield long-lasting results. When  faced with pressure and extreme  stressors, I have asked myself  why I feel burdened and cannot  get over my sense of doership?  Why can’t I let the Universe  take over and enjoy the state of  effortlessness? What good is my  spirituality if I cannot stay centred  during turbulent times? 

I have even wondered if I have  made any significant spiritual  

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progress in life and concluded  that my efforts have not amounted  to much. However, what I did  not realise in all these years  was that the Divine was slowly  chiselling away my imperfections  and making me deeper and more  tolerant from within.  

Recently, I took a long break after  years and went on a sabbatical. As I  was relaxing in new surroundings,  I came across a few things that  would have deeply hurt me at any  other time. But I was pleasantly  surprised to note that all that  I felt was deep understanding  and compassion for those who  had a bone to pick with me. No  anger or judgement crossed my  mind, and I simply felt amused  by the angry outbursts. My peace  was undisturbed. As my new  physical surroundings were more  peaceful, I was happy to note that  thoughts were not bothering me.  No matter what the situation, I  had no internal dialogues running  about people and their behaviour,  whether they were good or bad,  congenial or difficult, warm or  cold, interesting or boring. I  was simply acting through what  the present moment dictated or  demanded. 

I also realised that this had been  my state previously too. Only I  

had been too preoccupied with  work duties and day-to-day  responsibilities to note that my  inner self had grown and expanded  through all the difficulties and  challenges that I had encountered. 

The best part was that I was able to  accept myself too with all my flaws  and imperfections. I was trying to  impress no one, please no one, and  yet not be irreverential to anyone.  And this was having a positive  impact on my surroundings.  Even those who wanted to judge  me found it difficult to dislike  me. Truth be told, though I am  enjoying this state, I can still not  be sure that it is permanent or that  my anger or resentment will not  resurface at the next provocation. 

I am just hoping that it would  only be momentary, as a necessary  reaction to an extreme situation  and not based on any dislike or  judgement against anyone. I am  not sure where the spiritual path  will eventually lead me, but as  long as the Divine has my back,  I can be certain that I am in safe  hands.

Editor of Life Positive, Shivi  Verma is a devotee who found  all her answers in loving God  passionately. We welcome your comments and suggestions on  this article. Mail us at editor@lifepositive.net