Living wholeheartedly

Living wholeheartedly

October 2023

Through cultivating four practices, Suma Varughese anticipates that at some  point, she will realise her goal of living wholeheartedly. 

Living wholeheartedly is an ideal I have long cherished.  I longed to pour myself into  every moment of my life, fully  immerse myself in the activity  of the time, and give it all I had.  Instead, I have lived half-heartedly,  distracted by the myriad thoughts  that flitted through my mind and  hobbled by my absent-mindedness  and a lack of focus. I would start  projects which eventually trailed  off into nothing. At the end of  the day, I would find that I had  not fulfilled more than a fraction  of my to-do list, because the day  would have gone by in idle reverie. 

However, of late, I am beginning  to feel that this goal is not beyond  me. I too can hope to charge every  activity of mine with zeal and  passion. I too can hope to achieve  excellence in whatever I choose  to apply myself to. 

My hope lies in four practices that  I have been cultivating. The first  consists of an ongoing acceptance  of my thoughts, feelings, physical  sensations, and my resistance to  them. After decades of resisting,  rationalising, suppressing,  bypassing, and ignoring my  mindstuff, I have finally reached  a space where it is possible to  accept all of it and accept the  resistance too. Already, there  

is a sense of becoming more  whole, especially when I affirm  that I validate and honour every  single aspect of myself. The mind  actually stops in its tracks and  wonders, Am I really worthy of  being honoured? 

The second practice is to accept  suffering, which I recently learnt  to do. Accepting suffering frees  me of fears and the resistance to  the fears. It tilts me towards the  region of surrender, and that too  dilutes the mindstuff and enables  me to be more in the moment. 

The third practice, which is a  very recent insight, is to not  allow anyone or anything the  power to control my happiness.  I was tired of yo-yoing between  joy and sorrow, anger and peace,  and highs and lows, depending  on what life and others served up  to me. It occurred to me that no  matter what anyone said or did,  no matter what situation life put  me through, as long as I still had  myself and God, nothing crucial  would leave me. This realisation  is enabling me to take back my  power. While writing this article,  I placed my phone in the kitchen.  My mind did not crave to get back  to the phone, because nothing  that the phone could give me was  

in any way crucial to my existence. The fourth is also a nascent  discovery and that is the  willingness to take responsibility  for the consequences of my  actions and choices. I find that  this capacity too is a happening,  something that dawns on you  when you reach a certain level  of maturity. The capacity to take  responsibility frees us of nameless  apprehensions and doubts, and  roots us in the present moment.  It enables us to free ourselves of  the victim mentality and stay with  what is. 

As these activities become  stronger within me and percolate  deeper into my being, I anticipate  that I will be able to operate out  of freedom and without being  driven by needs and wants. Why  then will I not buckle down into  the moment and give it all my  heart? I am not holding my breath,  because change, at least in my  case, has been maddeningly slow.  But whenever it condescends to  show up will be the right moment  to do so.

Through cultivating four practices, Suma Varughese anticipates that at some  point, she will realise her goal of living wholeheartedly. 

Living wholeheartedly is an ideal I have long cherished.  I longed to pour myself into  every moment of my life, fully  immerse myself in the activity  of the time, and give it all I had.  Instead, I have lived half-heartedly,  distracted by the myriad thoughts  that flitted through my mind and  hobbled by my absent-mindedness  and a lack of focus. I would start  projects which eventually trailed  off into nothing. At the end of  the day, I would find that I had  not fulfilled more than a fraction  of my to-do list, because the day  would have gone by in idle reverie. 

However, of late, I am beginning  to feel that this goal is not beyond  me. I too can hope to charge every  activity of mine with zeal and  passion. I too can hope to achieve  excellence in whatever I choose  to apply myself to. 

My hope lies in four practices that  I have been cultivating. The first  consists of an ongoing acceptance  of my thoughts, feelings, physical  sensations, and my resistance to  them. After decades of resisting,  rationalising, suppressing,  bypassing, and ignoring my  mindstuff, I have finally reached  a space where it is possible to  accept all of it and accept the  resistance too. Already, there  

is a sense of becoming more  whole, especially when I affirm  that I validate and honour every  single aspect of myself. The mind  actually stops in its tracks and  wonders, Am I really worthy of  being honoured? 

The second practice is to accept  suffering, which I recently learnt  to do. Accepting suffering frees  me of fears and the resistance to  the fears. It tilts me towards the  region of surrender, and that too  dilutes the mindstuff and enables  me to be more in the moment. 

The third practice, which is a  very recent insight, is to not  allow anyone or anything the  power to control my happiness.  I was tired of yo-yoing between  joy and sorrow, anger and peace,  and highs and lows, depending  on what life and others served up  to me. It occurred to me that no  matter what anyone said or did,  no matter what situation life put  me through, as long as I still had  myself and God, nothing crucial  would leave me. This realisation  is enabling me to take back my  power. While writing this article,  I placed my phone in the kitchen.  My mind did not crave to get back  to the phone, because nothing  that the phone could give me was  

in any way crucial to my existence. The fourth is also a nascent  discovery and that is the  willingness to take responsibility  for the consequences of my  actions and choices. I find that  this capacity too is a happening,  something that dawns on you  when you reach a certain level  of maturity. The capacity to take  responsibility frees us of nameless  apprehensions and doubts, and  roots us in the present moment.  It enables us to free ourselves of  the victim mentality and stay with  what is. 

As these activities become  stronger within me and percolate  deeper into my being, I anticipate  that I will be able to operate out  of freedom and without being  driven by needs and wants. Why  then will I not buckle down into  the moment and give it all my  heart? I am not holding my breath,  because change, at least in my  case, has been maddeningly slow.  But whenever it condescends to  show up will be the right moment  to do so.

 Through cultivating four practices, Suma Varughese anticipates that at some  point, she will realise her goal of living wholeheartedly. 

Living wholeheartedly is an  ideal I have long cherished.  I longed to pour myself into  every moment of my life, fully  immerse myself in the activity  of the time, and give it all I had.  Instead, I have lived half-heartedly,  distracted by the myriad thoughts  that flitted through my mind and  hobbled by my absent-mindedness  and a lack of focus. I would start  projects which eventually trailed  off into nothing. At the end of  the day, I would find that I had  not fulfilled more than a fraction  of my to-do list, because the day  would have gone by in idle reverie. 

However, of late, I am beginning  to feel that this goal is not beyond  me. I too can hope to charge every  activity of mine with zeal and  passion. I too can hope to achieve  excellence in whatever I choose  to apply myself to. 

My hope lies in four practices that  I have been cultivating. The first  consists of an ongoing acceptance  of my thoughts, feelings, physical  sensations, and my resistance to  them. After decades of resisting,  rationalising, suppressing,  bypassing, and ignoring my  mindstuff, I have finally reached  a space where it is possible to  accept all of it and accept the  resistance too. Already, there  

is a sense of becoming more  whole, especially when I affirm  that I validate and honour every  single aspect of myself. The mind  actually stops in its tracks and  wonders, Am I really worthy of  being honoured? 

The second practice is to accept  suffering, which I recently learnt  to do. Accepting suffering frees  me of fears and the resistance to  the fears. It tilts me towards the  region of surrender, and that too  dilutes the mindstuff and enables  me to be more in the moment. 

The third practice, which is a  very recent insight, is to not  allow anyone or anything the  power to control my happiness.  I was tired of yo-yoing between  joy and sorrow, anger and peace,  and highs and lows, depending  on what life and others served up  to me. It occurred to me that no  matter what anyone said or did,  no matter what situation life put  me through, as long as I still had  myself and God, nothing crucial  would leave me. This realisation  is enabling me to take back my  power. While writing this article,  I placed my phone in the kitchen.  My mind did not crave to get back  to the phone, because nothing  that the phone could give me was  

in any way crucial to my existence. The fourth is also a nascent  discovery and that is the  willingness to take responsibility  for the consequences of my  actions and choices. I find that  this capacity too is a happening,  something that dawns on you  when you reach a certain level  of maturity. The capacity to take  responsibility frees us of nameless  apprehensions and doubts, and  roots us in the present moment.  It enables us to free ourselves of  the victim mentality and stay with  what is. 

As these activities become  stronger within me and percolate  deeper into my being, I anticipate  that I will be able to operate out  of freedom and without being  driven by needs and wants. Why  then will I not buckle down into  the moment and give it all my  heart? I am not holding my breath,  because change, at least in my  case, has been maddeningly slow.  But whenever it condescends to  show up will be the right moment  to do so.