Self growth

Self growth

Ripen the ego 

Rutika Ostwal takes a look at the positive side of the ego and advocates its  healthy development to ultimately succeed on the spiritual path 

The word "ego" has long held a negative reputation, with spiritual teachers and gurus alike  condemning it as the root of humanity's troubles - from relationship conflicts to wars and  beyond. This prevailing notion that the ego separates us from one another has led many to  believe that it is dangerous and should be condemned completely. 

However, I have come to realise the other side of it and the importance of cultivating a  healthy ego. The rhetoric I internalised growing up - that ego is bad, and that being "nice"  and selfless should be the norm to be accepted - resulted in a poorer sense of self. I grew  naive and limited in my worldview, disillusioned as a consequence. Rather than demonise  the ego, I wonder if we could understand its wholeness - its purpose, its light and shadow.  

The nuanced journey of ego  

Until I came across Carl Jung's teachings, I did not fully appreciate the nuanced journey of  ego development that he outlines. Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst wisely notes  that the first half of our life is dedicated to developing a healthy ego, while the second half is  spent going within and letting go of ego identification. For many of us Indians who have been  taught to abandon the ego via religious and spiritual teachings, Jung's perspective is  extremely illuminating and beneficial. When I pondered on my life, I realised the  completeness of his concept of ego development. During my upbringing, I did not get  enough parental mirroring and guidance to foster a strong sense of self. 

The importance of a healthy ego 

I grew up with poor self-esteem and unsure of my boundaries, and I was frequently drawn to  narcissistic individuals who saw my generosity as weakness. This left me feeling bewildered  and despairing, unable to comprehend why, despite being such well-intentioned and  emotionally tuned person, I continue to attract selfish and toxic people. For a long time, I was  caught up in self-pity and my self-esteem was eroded. Like the saying goes, “if you expect  the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like  expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn’t eat him.” It is quite later, I discovered  that when we are unconsciously drawn to others who do not feel the same way about us, it is  an indication of a part of ourselves that need our attention and validation or holding.  Through the painful process of overcoming repeated narcissistic wounds, I was driven to  look within and cultivate the self-love and personal boundaries I had previously lacked. I  eventually came to see the inherent value in my complex journey, realizing that the deficits  of my early life had actually led me down a path to uncover my intrinsic worth, emotional  sensitivity, and other meaningful gifts. Rather than engaging in spiritual bypassing, my  previous pull to "toxic" influences was actually a deeper calling to achieve self-mastery  through inner work and reflection. 

Understanding various aspects of ego development

What is ego development? 

The ego is a complex and often misunderstood aspect of the human psyche that emerges  early in child development. Around ages 2-3, as a child transition from the breastfeeding  period, they begin to form a sense of self - an identity separate from the mother. This is  when the ego first crystallizes. 

The ego serves crucial functions, enabling a child to perceive meaning, assess value, make  judgments, and develop skills - empowering them not just to survive, but to become  independent. A healthy ego fulfils several vital roles, providing the framework to make sense  of experiences and navigate life's challenges with purpose. Our sense of identity, including  our name, bodies, relationships, money, jobs, homes, and country etc, which aids our  survival and navigation of the physical world is part of our ego development. 

The other side of ego 

However, the ego is not synonymous with the totality of the self. Rather, it is a subset - one  manifestation of a far greater, boundless nature. Its focus is narrow and self-centered, with  preoccupations revolving around "me, mine, I." While this self-interest supports basic self preservation, an overactive ego becomes isolating and destructive. It engages in endless  value judgments, labeling things as "good" or "bad" based on a limited perspective.  

Most philosophers, religious and spiritual leaders emphasise on this partial and shadow  aspects of the ego that cause conflict, wars, and so forth. They do not factor in the  significance of the ego in our life from a developmental perspective. Recognising this is  critical for gaining a broad understanding of the ego's role. Essentially, the ego is a  protective, survival-oriented aspect of the self, and yet it is only a small part of a person's  larger, limitless essence. 

The consequences of underdeveloped ego 

Inconsistent nurturing from parents or early role models can lead children to internalize a  sense of unworthiness, distorting the development of their ego. This deficit leaves them ill equipped to reach their full potential or assert their boundaries. Without a healthy, well developed ego, children and teenagers are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. The  formation of a strong ego during childhood is crucial for cultivating confidence and  autonomy. 

Adults with underdeveloped egos often feel fragmented, lack self-worth, and are vulnerable  to manipulation and poor decision-making. They are like a boat without a rudder, tossed  about aimlessly on the currents of others' expectations. The reason, many parents struggle  with low self-esteem due to their own upbringing, and they inadvertently pass these traits on  to their children. Reflecting on my upbringing, I realised that my excessively giving father  instilled in me a compulsive need to please others. Unfortunately, instead of being grateful,  the people around him took advantage of his generosity and my parents lacked abilities to  advocate for themselves. Recognising this tendency, I decided to break the cycle of self sacrificing behaviour, which would have kept me vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and  underselling myself, even if I was brilliant and sincere. Cultivating a strong sense of self and  self-efficacy has been a challenging yet rewarding journey for me. I now have the  groundedness and self-trust to be my own person and avoid seeking external validation.

The process of letting go of ego 

It is important to understand psychological perception of ego and that unless we have a  wholesome sense of self, unless we have a sense of self-worth, and self-efficacy  (competence to make our way through life), we will never have the confidence or security to  disidentify with our ego. Only a ripe ego will drop. An unripe ego will not. 

Letting go of one's sense of self too soon can lead to inner turmoil and self-sabotage. It's  important to respect people's choices without judgment and create a supportive environment  that fosters personal growth and change. Suppressing natural urges forces individuals into  an unnatural state, breeding inner conflict and lingering resentment. 

As far as our spiritual path is concerned it is an evolutionary journey. As our self-confidence,  intrinsic self-worth, and ability to cope with life's challenges grow, we will find it easier to  progress along the way. With inner security, the ego can be gradually released as one's  awareness expands beyond its limited self-identifications, unveiling our boundless true  nature. It requires first discerning of ego, then gradually releasing its grip as we uncover  depths of being. We each awaken to inward spiritual life when we are ready. Until then,  spirituality may seem nonsense. I think many of us have passed through that phase. 

Advice for parents and next generations 

Reflecting on my own personal growth, I recognise flashes of my younger self in the  challenges facing today's youth. Compelled by this empathy, I believe it is my duty to help  children, teens, and parents find new ways to navigate the conflicts and developmental  issues they face. It's critical to recognise that these natural energies must be channelled, not  suppressed. This is all part of their self-development - a process that has changed over time,  rendering old thinking and parenting methods less effective. As a result, it's important we  help build a strong sense of self in our youth, allowing them to define their identity,  relationships, and role in society. To help them navigate their world with confidence and  certainty and be authentic and reliable members of society. 

Lastly, ego development does not mean feeling superior to others. Rather, it is the sense  that "I am okay, and you are okay." We shouldn't demonise the ego simply because religious  texts or gurus have criticised it. Instead, we should look at the whole picture and recognise  the ego's usefulness in our daily lives, without condemning it outright. The ego is part of our  existence - unless we embrace and integrate it, we'll struggle to free ourselves from its  influence. Spiritual bypassing, which involves repressing the ego, won't fill the void. The key  is to understand the purpose of the ego and then consciously let it go. After all, this faculty  was given to us for a reason. 

About the author

Rutika Ostwal is the founder of Sacred Space Art Therapy & Training dedicated to creative arts  therapy and somatic healing. She is a practicing art psychotherapist and somatic practitioner trained  in Ireland, with additional training in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, yoga, meditation, and  contemplative practices in India.