Unshackling self
September 2015 By Suma Varughese Recognizing that she is not her thoughts, feelings or physical sensations is enabling Suma Varughese to let go of personality structures This column has done many things for many people including myself (it enables me to keep a record of the kaleidoscopic shifts in my insights), but that it would itself afford me a breakthrough is unprecedented. But it happened last month. Just as I was writing my piece on how the practice of renunciation of rights was freeing me of expectations, I found myself battling a despondent mood. Unwilling to continue until I had dealt with these feelings, I took time out to bring them into my consciousness. And then it hit me like thunderclap. These thoughts, feelings and physical sensations were not me, so why was I even battling them? Why not just let them slip in and through me without my interference? The question then arose. Who was I if I were not my thoughts, feelings and other mindstuff? The answer rose from the deep and authentic part of me. I was the field that contained all of these things. I was not the feelings, thoughts or physical sensations. But I contained them. They were part of me, though I was not them. In a trice I had what I needed to disassociate with them without rejecting or suppressing them. The impact of this realization is extraordinary. Earlier, my feelings, thoughts and resistances would suffocate me just as if I was wearing this really tight outfit that would not permit the transition of these feelings into my being, constricting me to the point that I had no option but to react. Now I seem to have slipped on a far more capacious robe, with all the space in the world for mind movements. Of course, this capacity to ingest my feelings, thoughts and physical sensations is dependent on my being aware of them. But when I do, I no longer find myself instinctively fighting or suppressing them. Instead, I permit them to pass through me and leave me. Each time I do this, I find I am freeing myself of the millions of aspects of personality that I had encumbered myself with. For instance, each time I sneeze and catch myself fretting about the onset of a cold, I remind myself that I am neither the cold nor the resistance to it, I am the space that contains all this. When I freeze in fear at the sight of a hostile dog, I remind myself that I am not the fear or the resistance to it. When I find myself lost in a train of thoughts, I remind myself I am neither the thoughts nor the resistance to them which automatically comes into play. I do the same with all emotions, and with the many diseases I have unfortunately identified with. I am currently battling a back pain and am at pains to remind myself that I am neither the pain nor its resistance. I have actually managed to heal myself of many niggling minor ailments through this technique. Colds have vanished, IBS is better, and headaches have eased. When I bump into something, or spill something on the kitchen platform I quickly remind myself that the clumsy label is not who I am, nor is the resistance to it. Instantly, I find myself far more alert thereafter, free of the discomfort of the label. Similarly, I am working on disassociating myself from vagueness, absentmindedness, and anger.
I was not the feelings, or thoughts. But I contained them. They were part of me, though I was not themIt is awe-inspiring to see the structures of the mind-made personality finally unshackling. I can actually visualize a time when I will not be limited by the innumerable impressions I have of myself, others or life. When the Suma I have long thought of as myself will be no more. I look forward to meeting the real me!
About the author: Suma Varughese is a thinker, writer, and Editor-in-Chief of Life Positive. She also holds writer's workshops. Write to her at suma@lifepositive.net
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